


as if we could expect to find behind us anything other than the mistakes we made

by aletterinthenameofsanity



Series: hold my hand (i can hear the ghost calling) [18]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Character Study, Drabble, Gen, Guilt, Kissing, M/M, Romance, Tony Stark Has A Heart, but only distantly implied, references to pop culture, vaguely not steve friendly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-10-13 04:06:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17480852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aletterinthenameofsanity/pseuds/aletterinthenameofsanity
Summary: The world knows Tony as Iron Man because that is the legacy he built for himself. His suit, his weapons, his identity- nothing was handed to him. He had to build, to create, to modify and experiment and plan.There is only a man inside of that suit, unconnected to powers, relying only on the strength of his own brain and body. If he gets hurt, if he falls, if he fails-Here’s the thing- Tony knows responsibility. He knows accountability. Everything that happens because of Iron Man gets blamed squarely on him, and he understands why. He carries the weight of every war, every attack, every failure directly on his shoulders. If something happens, it is all Tony Stark’s fault. Not Iron Man, not the Avengers- it is Tony Stark, the inventor. The builder. The creator.





	as if we could expect to find behind us anything other than the mistakes we made

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pawn_vs_player](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pawn_vs_player/gifts).



> Title is, as always, from "Shine" by Shane Koyczan.

The difference between Tony Stark and nearly every other Avenger is small, but in the end it makes so big a difference in fault and blame.

See, here’s the thing: Tony had to build himself. There was no spider bite, no serum developed by other minds, no accidental radiation, no birth into godhood, no mutation. Every part of his heroism was built by himself. He had no one handing him things, no one helping him along- he was the sole originator of “Iron Man,” the persona, the powers, the suit- all of it is solely the creation of Anthony Stark.

The world knows Tony as Iron Man because that is the legacy he built for himself. His suit, his weapons, his identity- nothing was handed to him. He had to build, to create, to modify and experiment and plan.

There is only a man inside of that suit, unconnected to powers, relying only on the strength of his own brain and body. If he gets hurt, if he falls, if he  _ fails _ \- 

Here’s the thing- Tony knows responsibility. He knows accountability. Everything that happens because of Iron Man gets blamed squarely on him, and he understands why. He carries the weight of every war, every attack, every failure directly on his shoulders. If something happens, it is all Tony Stark’s fault. Not Iron Man, not the Avengers- it is Tony Stark, the inventor. The builder. The creator.

Because he created himself. The rest of the Avengers- their hero title was a gift, or at least partially created by others. Even Sam, as smart and as capable and amazing as he is, did not start off his particular project. The army and Tony collaborated to start the Falcon project. If something goes wrong, Tony was the one who kicked off the Falcon Project, even if Sam has made it far more than Tony ever could have. He will carry the blame for whatever goes wrong in his heart, because he is the sole cause of his own mistakes as a hero.

 

(“You know, for such a brilliant man, you can be quite the idiot sometimes. It’s not your fault, Tony,” Sam says, voice firm, after Sokovia and Siberia, and Tony tries to believe him. “You can’t just blame yourself for everything. All of us made a choice on what we would do with the powers we gained.  Some of us made bad decisions, and some of us made good ones, and a ll  of us did everything we could to expand and grow our abilities to be heroes. If we fail, it's on our own merits."

One conversation won't change a lifetime of thought. Tony loves Sam, thinks him the man with possibly the greatest common sense he's ever met in his life, but some things take time to change.

And yet: "You have always been the reasonable one," Tony says with a smile, "And you do have a point."

Sam nods, and his smile is soft. "You  _would_ be smart to listen to your husband once in awhile, Tones."

Tony scoffs. "I always listen to my husband."

"Even about the artistic value of certain crime dramas?"

Tony doesn't laugh, but it's a near thing. "Everyone knows that Criminal Minds fucked up when they didn't make Spencer Reid bisexual, Sam."

Sam rolls his eyes and leans forward to draw Tony into a kiss. Tony's eyes fall shut and he only opens them when Sam leans back from the kiss to whisper, "How about asexual, instead?" 

And Tony smiles.

So maybe Tony will always keep blaming himself, but he knows he'll always have his husband by his side afterwards, to help him realize that he's not the monster he thinks he is.)


End file.
